oh, mercy!

at some point in my pre-pubescent years, i developed an anxiety-related condition which really affected my confidence and self-esteem when going through puberty. i really don't know how it all came about - fueled partly by body image, partly by sexuality? - but what i do remember is how debilitating it was when an attack occurred.

aside from the occasional foray into group singing, i avoided doing most things that involved public performance. the simple thoughts of all those eyes watching and judging were paralysing.

i guess now i've come a long way.

last saturday i stood behind the theatre curtains by the side of the stage, watching as the girls from our club's dance school perform their routine in front of the hundreds that were seated in the audience. it was the school's end of year concert and this particular performance by the senior group was the penultimate act for the night. it was meant to be the show stopper.

dressed in black 40s-inspired dresses, replete in tassels, and complete with headwear decorated in feathers, the girls sashayed and twisted their way through the jazzy vocal stylings of duffy's mercy. it was a funky, sexed-up number that had the crowd mesmerised. it looked amazing from the sidelines.

for the last couple of months, i've been rehearsing with the girls for this very routine. after years of simply being the school's door bitch, signing in and signing up dance students, i finally found myself a part of the ensemble. persistent requests from the school's dance principal - a friend - convinced me to bite the bullet and so after many weeks, there i found myself, at the sidelines, ready to make my stage debut.

and then it happened. as the girls pointed to the invisible person behind the curtains, so was my cue to join them. i slid across the floor towards the middle of the centre spotlight and did my thang. a step here, a twirl there and before you know it, it was all over. i couldn't really see the crowd beyond the bright lights but the numerous cat-calls, wolf-whistles and the occasional "go r*yan!" must have meant that they found our performance good. i felt pumped and exhilarated.

it was then i remembered that young chubby, painfully shy kid in high school and how much at this point he would have found himself absolutely petrified.

at least this time, i didn't need to change my pants.